Who am I?
Updated: Nov 13, 2021
I am a child who had little, cried a lot, and did not reach her full potential. Spanked and yelled at for being a silly child, too imaginative for my own good, my dogs and the trees were my comfort.
I spoke in complete sentences in English and Spanish by age one and I was tested and turned out to be a prodigy child with a lot of potential. Without nurturing or care I withered away in a school where being smart and reading at a very early age was not cool, nor was having pale skin. I’m not White either, by the way, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but simply to clarify. Coconut was a term used by those who would deride me, but it made no logical sense, so it didn’t hurt as intended. My skin wasn’t actually brown and skin color has nothing to do with academic skills. I was bilingual back then, but the utter rejection by my fellow Hispanic peers who didn’t like that I spoke English very well, particularly for my age, made me stop speaking Spanish entirely for many years and retreat into bookish seclusion.
Bounced between different schools in Elementary, I never really learned how to make and keep friends to this day. Abused at different points in my life by different people at different times and betrayed by pretty much every person I loved, trusted and was fully invested in I find trust eludes me. I took a long time getting married and then waited almost a decade before having a child because of fear of betrayal.
But enough about my early years! I’ve gotten past a lot of that and have come to a point in life that I want to truly start living and leave behind the shadow of fear that haunted the best years of my life. I decided to figure out who I am so I can know how to work with myself to be my best.
It seems my personality type is such that I'm a natural cringy nerd: an Introverted Intuitive Thinker and Perceiver. It looks like I have my work cut out for me! I'm laid back, love to learn, tend to hyperfocus on things that interest me, and I do love science fiction, philosophy, and dnd - abstract, playful, hypothetical problem solving.
I have a silly song in the works that will go here. I don’t really fit into a box. And I tend to change my views when I find new evidence, rather than clinging to my old beliefs. For a long time my mindset wandered from Christianity, but I figured out that it is not merely superstition to control a population. We Need God in our lives and civics in a concrete way.
I plan to write on that topic in greater detail when I have my thoughts a bit more organized. But just watching the sick sad world we’re in today makes my conviction that we need Jesus much stronger!
A few years ago I decided to try to figure out just who exactly I am. This I did by watching video of myself, trying to observe myself as I am normally. I had read about the Enneagram years ago and started trying to find out more about personality types, which led me to try out a whole bunch of personality tests. The one I really related to was the Myers-Briggs type INTP.
I practiced martial arts for several years throughout my life and one thing I noticed was that I tend to have a hard time living in the moment, being present in my own body, and figuring out how to control it. Consequently I kind of sucked and learning my left from my right was embarrassingly difficult. But I also noticed that though it took me longer to figure out certain things, once I got them they were truly mine. Also that simply watching someone do what I was supposed to copy didn't really work for me; i had to go out of my way to find videos with theory and principles behind the moves to understand and implement it, starting with super slow motion several times, accurately.
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